Twilight fic! (No wait, don't run away!)
Oct. 6th, 2008 06:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
k_puffOkay. So. NaNoWriMo is coming up and just in the nick of time because OMG I FEEL LIKE WRITING AGAIN. XD I'm really excited for my novel, too -- I'm rewriting the Twilight Saga. So it doesn't suck. And the characters can actually be their snarky, wonderful, chemistry-having and logic-using selves that I KNOW THEY ARE DEEP INSIDE STEPHANIE MEYER WHY ARE YOU SO BLIND TO YOUR OWN CREATIONS
So. Today, I was completely inspired to write this piece, because while I was talking with one of my friends about our problems with Teh Saga, I said: "I would, for example, have had nine months of hilariously pregnant Bella than whatever the bloody hell, LITERALLY OMG, SM tried to pull. Except for the fact that, when you think about it, Vampire babies are impossible anyways."
To which her response was, "Well, even if she had realized Vampire Babies were impossible, she probably just would have done the whole thing as a dream sequence or something. The real dilemma is, I can't decide whether or not that would be worse than what she actually tried."
So, here you go. It's a wonderful piece of both satire and fluff in a combination that I'm very proud of. ^_^ I'm so, so excited to start NaNoveling.
Title: Preggers
Theme:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
31_days Oct. 6th -- are you now or have you ever been
Series: Twilight
Characters: Bella, Edward, Alice, mini!Cullen
Rating: PG for swearing and references to where babies come from. Hint: it's not Teh Stork.
One night, Alice had another vision. Several, in fact.
This wasn’t exactly an uncommon occurrence; it only happened about 30 or 40 times a day. Still, this particular vision was a bit unusual because, for one thing, what she was seeing was impossible. And not just garden-variety “this can’t be happening” impossible, but legitimately *physically impossible*. For another thing, it resulted in her laughing so hard she would have died if breathing had been one of those things necessary to her survival.
It went something like this.
***
There came a day when Bella threw up.
This was highly unusual, since Bella had been a vampire now for about two months. In fact, it was beyond her how a vampire could ever even be able to throw up, since they didn’t even eat. So she washed her face, looked at herself in the mirror, wrinkled her nose, and sighed, realizing the only option available to her.
“Shit.” she said. “I’m pregnant.”
Edward took the news rather well.
“You’re what?”
“Pregnant.”
“But-- what--” he spluttered, one of the few times in their forever together that she saw him at a loss for words. “Bella, how?”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, Edward, when two vampires love each other very much--”
Edward shot her a withering glare.
“--and are too young and stupid to wear a condom--”
“Bella.” he interrupted firmly, coming up to meet her and gripping her forearms so she would look him straight in the eye. “Pregnant? Are you serious? Is this really happening?”
Bella looked up at Edward’s tensely eager face and was suddenly hit with a wave of dizzy happiness so complete, so overwhelming, that she almost swallowed her tongue. She smiled and nodded.
So he wrapped her in a hug with the strength that would have crushed a Volkswagen Bus, and they held each other. For a long, long time.
***
One night, two and a half months into her pregnancy, Bella could not stop fidgeting. Eventually, Edward noticed.
“Bella,” he sighed. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip softly and looked at him from out of the corner of her eye. “No.”
“That’s not even a grammatically correct answer. Do you really think I’m going to take that?”
“You’ll laugh.”
Edward smirked.
Bella sighed and gave in. “I want... food.”
His eyes widened and he blinked. “You want... wait a minute. You want what?”
Bella looked at the ground and smacked her forehead. “Food, Edward! I want food! Not blood, food! Pregnant women get cravings, dammit, and I want food!”
A beat of silence passed. Two, even. And then a low chuckle, growing to a full-blown laugh that Edward had only found after he had met this crazy, crazy human girl that fell all over herself, had almost literally once bitten his head off in a fight, and for all the things in the world she wanted, wanted food.
He crossed the room and grabbed Bella’s hand, spinning her around in a circle before holding her face gently in his hands.
“My crazy, wonderful, pregnant vampire wife, I will be willing to go out and buy you food every night for the rest of our days.”
And she held him to that promise for the rest of her pregnancy.
***
“...Bella?”
“My joints hurt, I’m wearing these ugly-ass pants with this ugly-ass elastic waist, I need to pee and I haven’t seen my ankles for months. What do you want?”
“I love you. Do you want to know why?”
“...Why?”
“You’re so enchantingly entertaining.”
“Thanks, sweetie. You’re one in a million.”
“It’s alright, I know you love me, too.”
“Yeah, and you want to know why that is?”
“Do tell.”
“Because you’re so fucking perfect you practically piss glitter.”
“I take that back. It must be your unfailing class and charm.”
“Bite me.”
“With pleasure.”
***
Seven months, three weeks, and one day after Bella broke her news to Edward, the three of them sat together on the bed in a large, cuddly mass: mother holding child, father holding the both of them protectively. Bella looked down at the soft, impossibly delicate, porcelain-skinned girl bundled in her arms and swore that even if she’d still had her heart, it would have stopped beating anyways.
Edward kissed Bella’s ear tenderly and stroked their daughter’s face with a long, graceful finger. “Bella, she...”
He apparently couldn’t think of anything to say, as he stopped there. Bella knew the feeling.
“What are we going to name her?” she asked, breaking the silence. Edward thought for awhile.
“It’ll have to be something classic, to last through the years,” he said, ever the practical one (or, as Bella sometimes called him, the paranoid one). “Something that lends to nicknames easily. Nothing too modern or elaborate. It’ll have to be a name that can blend in no matter what kind of society we end up in.”
Bella thought for awhile. “What about Margaret? We can call her Meg for short. Meg Cullen,” she tried it out on her tongue. “It sounds nice.”
“Margaret Cullen. Meg Cullen.” Edward smiled. “We did something, Bella. Look at her.”
That’s what they continued to do, for the rest of the night and quite a bit longer.
***
“Alice?”
Alice looked at the pair of them, Bella and Edward, looking at her with raised eyebrows and a concerned expression. “Alice, did you see something?”
She giggled some more. “I don’t think so. There’s no way! Bella,” she said, “you were pregnant!”
Edward snorted, and Bella looked at him accusingly, with wide eyes. “What? What’s to laugh about me getting pregnant?”
“Bella,” Edward explained to her in his patient tone of voice. “Vampires can’t get pregnant.”
“They can’t?”
“Don’t forget, we’re ageless!” Alice said, going into a bored handstand as though to prove her point. “How would babies work? Growing up to a certain point and then magically stopping? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Not to mention we don’t have sperm. We have other ways of reproducing, if you recall,” Edward said, grinning so that his sharp teeth glinted. Bella moved her tongue across her own new teeth, as though reminding herself.
“Oh yeah,” she said, thinking. “I guess you’re right. Vampire pregnancies would make no sense at all.”
“Nope!” Alice giggled. “Totally unrealistic, completely impossible. Funny as hell, though.”
So. Today, I was completely inspired to write this piece, because while I was talking with one of my friends about our problems with Teh Saga, I said: "I would, for example, have had nine months of hilariously pregnant Bella than whatever the bloody hell, LITERALLY OMG, SM tried to pull. Except for the fact that, when you think about it, Vampire babies are impossible anyways."
To which her response was, "Well, even if she had realized Vampire Babies were impossible, she probably just would have done the whole thing as a dream sequence or something. The real dilemma is, I can't decide whether or not that would be worse than what she actually tried."
So, here you go. It's a wonderful piece of both satire and fluff in a combination that I'm very proud of. ^_^ I'm so, so excited to start NaNoveling.
Title: Preggers
Theme:
31_days Oct. 6th -- are you now or have you ever beenSeries: Twilight
Characters: Bella, Edward, Alice, mini!Cullen
Rating: PG for swearing and references to where babies come from. Hint: it's not Teh Stork.
One night, Alice had another vision. Several, in fact.
This wasn’t exactly an uncommon occurrence; it only happened about 30 or 40 times a day. Still, this particular vision was a bit unusual because, for one thing, what she was seeing was impossible. And not just garden-variety “this can’t be happening” impossible, but legitimately *physically impossible*. For another thing, it resulted in her laughing so hard she would have died if breathing had been one of those things necessary to her survival.
It went something like this.
***
There came a day when Bella threw up.
This was highly unusual, since Bella had been a vampire now for about two months. In fact, it was beyond her how a vampire could ever even be able to throw up, since they didn’t even eat. So she washed her face, looked at herself in the mirror, wrinkled her nose, and sighed, realizing the only option available to her.
“Shit.” she said. “I’m pregnant.”
Edward took the news rather well.
“You’re what?”
“Pregnant.”
“But-- what--” he spluttered, one of the few times in their forever together that she saw him at a loss for words. “Bella, how?”
She rolled her eyes. “Well, Edward, when two vampires love each other very much--”
Edward shot her a withering glare.
“--and are too young and stupid to wear a condom--”
“Bella.” he interrupted firmly, coming up to meet her and gripping her forearms so she would look him straight in the eye. “Pregnant? Are you serious? Is this really happening?”
Bella looked up at Edward’s tensely eager face and was suddenly hit with a wave of dizzy happiness so complete, so overwhelming, that she almost swallowed her tongue. She smiled and nodded.
So he wrapped her in a hug with the strength that would have crushed a Volkswagen Bus, and they held each other. For a long, long time.
***
One night, two and a half months into her pregnancy, Bella could not stop fidgeting. Eventually, Edward noticed.
“Bella,” he sighed. “What’s wrong?”
She bit her lip softly and looked at him from out of the corner of her eye. “No.”
“That’s not even a grammatically correct answer. Do you really think I’m going to take that?”
“You’ll laugh.”
Edward smirked.
Bella sighed and gave in. “I want... food.”
His eyes widened and he blinked. “You want... wait a minute. You want what?”
Bella looked at the ground and smacked her forehead. “Food, Edward! I want food! Not blood, food! Pregnant women get cravings, dammit, and I want food!”
A beat of silence passed. Two, even. And then a low chuckle, growing to a full-blown laugh that Edward had only found after he had met this crazy, crazy human girl that fell all over herself, had almost literally once bitten his head off in a fight, and for all the things in the world she wanted, wanted food.
He crossed the room and grabbed Bella’s hand, spinning her around in a circle before holding her face gently in his hands.
“My crazy, wonderful, pregnant vampire wife, I will be willing to go out and buy you food every night for the rest of our days.”
And she held him to that promise for the rest of her pregnancy.
***
“...Bella?”
“My joints hurt, I’m wearing these ugly-ass pants with this ugly-ass elastic waist, I need to pee and I haven’t seen my ankles for months. What do you want?”
“I love you. Do you want to know why?”
“...Why?”
“You’re so enchantingly entertaining.”
“Thanks, sweetie. You’re one in a million.”
“It’s alright, I know you love me, too.”
“Yeah, and you want to know why that is?”
“Do tell.”
“Because you’re so fucking perfect you practically piss glitter.”
“I take that back. It must be your unfailing class and charm.”
“Bite me.”
“With pleasure.”
***
Seven months, three weeks, and one day after Bella broke her news to Edward, the three of them sat together on the bed in a large, cuddly mass: mother holding child, father holding the both of them protectively. Bella looked down at the soft, impossibly delicate, porcelain-skinned girl bundled in her arms and swore that even if she’d still had her heart, it would have stopped beating anyways.
Edward kissed Bella’s ear tenderly and stroked their daughter’s face with a long, graceful finger. “Bella, she...”
He apparently couldn’t think of anything to say, as he stopped there. Bella knew the feeling.
“What are we going to name her?” she asked, breaking the silence. Edward thought for awhile.
“It’ll have to be something classic, to last through the years,” he said, ever the practical one (or, as Bella sometimes called him, the paranoid one). “Something that lends to nicknames easily. Nothing too modern or elaborate. It’ll have to be a name that can blend in no matter what kind of society we end up in.”
Bella thought for awhile. “What about Margaret? We can call her Meg for short. Meg Cullen,” she tried it out on her tongue. “It sounds nice.”
“Margaret Cullen. Meg Cullen.” Edward smiled. “We did something, Bella. Look at her.”
That’s what they continued to do, for the rest of the night and quite a bit longer.
***
“Alice?”
Alice looked at the pair of them, Bella and Edward, looking at her with raised eyebrows and a concerned expression. “Alice, did you see something?”
She giggled some more. “I don’t think so. There’s no way! Bella,” she said, “you were pregnant!”
Edward snorted, and Bella looked at him accusingly, with wide eyes. “What? What’s to laugh about me getting pregnant?”
“Bella,” Edward explained to her in his patient tone of voice. “Vampires can’t get pregnant.”
“They can’t?”
“Don’t forget, we’re ageless!” Alice said, going into a bored handstand as though to prove her point. “How would babies work? Growing up to a certain point and then magically stopping? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Not to mention we don’t have sperm. We have other ways of reproducing, if you recall,” Edward said, grinning so that his sharp teeth glinted. Bella moved her tongue across her own new teeth, as though reminding herself.
“Oh yeah,” she said, thinking. “I guess you’re right. Vampire pregnancies would make no sense at all.”
“Nope!” Alice giggled. “Totally unrealistic, completely impossible. Funny as hell, though.”
